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Understanding toxic relationships: Are you stuck in unhealthy patterns?

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Why are you asking? Be attentive to how you feel in your relationship

More and more clients come to me asking if they’re stuck in a toxic relationship—or if their partner might be a narcissist. It’s a question that can feel urgent and overwhelming, and this article explores the signs of toxic relationships or loving someone who might live with a personality disorder. But before diving in, I’d like you to pause and ask yourself: why are you here? Why do you feel the need to explore this topic? The fact that you’re even wondering about toxicity in your relationship is a sign of serious concern—and perhaps unhappiness. My next question is, why do you need more proof? Could it be that you’re denying or not fully trusting your own perception of the relationship?

Are you doubting yourself? Trust your own feelings and perception

If you find yourself second-guessing your relationship but feel the need for external validation—whether from an expert, a therapist, or even an article like this—that could point to a deeper issue: a lack of trust in your own emotions. Before trying to understand your partner or the relationship dynamic, it’s crucial to reflect on your relationship with yourself. Are you taking your emotions seriously? Are you listening to your needs? Trusting yourself is essential, because how can you expect a partner to care for your emotions if you cannot honor them yourself? Self-care, kindness, and self-love are the foundation for any healthy relationship. If this resonates with you, consider starting your journey by focusing inward. There are many resources to help, or you can work with a therapist to strengthen this essential trust in yourself.

Does your relationship feel hopeless? See if you can both commit to a better way forward

If you feel unheard, invalidated, or unsure whether your needs matter in your relationship, these are signs of an unhealthy dynamic. Being honest and kind with yourself makes it easier to notice these patterns. Many of my clients use words like “toxic” or “narcissist” to describe their relationship—buzzwords that have gained traction on social media, particularly Instagram. These terms resonate so deeply because they reflect what people are experiencing: frustration, hurt, and, often, hopelessness. In my work, I notice that when people use these words, they’re not just describing their relationship—they’re also mourning the loss of hope that their partner or dynamic will change.

This dual pain—grieving the current state of your relationship while fearing it will remain stuck—can feel overwhelming. However, it doesn’t always have to stay that way. If your partner is open and committed to working through challenges, there is hope for change. Books, therapeutic tools, and couples counseling can help foster clarity and healing. While it’s possible that your hope for transformation won’t be fully restored, this process can provide the clarity you need to understand and navigate your relationship.

What are the signs of a toxic relationship? understanding relationship dynamics

As mentioned, a major sign is the feeling of being hopeless and drained. And instead of feeling supported, you feel exhausted, anxious, or stuck in a cycle of negativity. However, many of my clients feel hopeless when they first come to couples counselling and many are able to change their dynamics. The signs listed below are signs of toxic relationships but can also be signs of getting stuck in unhealthy patterns or vicious cycles, which can be changed. So if you want to stay in your relationship, I encourage you to find out if change if possible before you take a final assessment. If you’re wondering whether your relationship is toxic, here are some key signs to consider:

Lack ofrRespect: One or both partners dismiss the other’s feelings, opinions, or boundaries.
Control or manipulation: A partner consistently tries to control decisions, isolate you, or manipulate your behavior.
Emotional neglect or abuse: Your emotional needs are ignored, invalidated, or weaponized against you.
Consistent blame: One partner is always blamed for issues, while the other refuses accountability.
Unpredictable behavior: Frequent emotional outbursts, silent treatment, or mood swings make the relationship feel unstable.
Lack of honesty: Dishonesty, secrecy, or actions that undermine trust are regular occurrences.
Fear or intimidation: You feel afraid to express your feelings or stand up for yourself.

If you notice several of these signs in your relationship, it’s important to take a step back. Protect your emotions, give yourself space, and consider how you’d like to move forward. Seeking counseling—either individually or with your partner—can provide you with the tools and clarity to make informed decisions.

What do you wish for? Pay attention to your needs again

Relationships can be incredibly exhausting and we often lose hope, thinking things will never change. This is true for toxic relationships, but also other dynamics. But most importantly, you deserve to be happy, have a partner who listens and is attentive to your needs – or does the work to get better at that. Take your time to connect with yourself to find out what you wish for and what you really need and let that guide your decisions.