Am I staying for the wrong reasons? – The red button thought experiment
When working with clients, I often introduce a thought experiment to help untangle this inner conflict. Imagine you have a red button. If you press it, your relationship ends instantly, but unlike real life, there is no heartbreak, sadness, or any negative emotions—neither for you nor your partner. You simply part ways peacefully and carry on with your lives.
Now, ask yourself: Would you press the button? This exercise can illuminate your deeper feelings and desires, cutting through the noise of guilt, fear, and obligation.
Am I staying for my partner, and not for myself? – The magical fairy experiment
For those overwhelmed by guilt or worry about their partner, I suggest another thought experiment. Imagine going to sleep, and during the night, a magical fairy makes the decision for you. You have no control over what they decide, and because you didn’t make the choice, you bear no guilt or responsibility.
When you wake up, the decision has been made. Ask yourself: What do you secretly hope the fairy decided? This can reveal the truth that lies beneath the surface of your doubts and fears.
Am I neglecting myself? – Reconnecting with yourself
In the midst of all this stress and uncertainty, it’s essential to reconnect with yourself. Relationships, especially challenging ones, can cause us to lose sight of who we are and what we need. That’s why I often encourage clients to park the question of staying or leaving for a while and focus instead on their own well-being.
What would make you feel calmer, stronger, and happier? What are your needs and wishes, and how can you take steps to meet them? By reconnecting with yourself and nurturing your own sense of strength, you’ll be in a much better place to decide whether to stay or leave—and to approach that decision with clarity and confidence.
Am I trying to push out the inevitable? – When you’ve already decided
Sometimes, deep down, we already know the answer. We know we want to leave but feel paralyzed by worries—about the impact on our partner, about life after the relationship, or about the unknown. In these situations, it can help to shift the focus from “Should I leave?” to “How can I leave in a way that feels respectful and conscious?”
Leaving a relationship is never easy, but it doesn’t have to be destructive. With thoughtful communication and care, both partners can find a way forward that minimizes hurt and lays the groundwork for healing and growth.
If you’re feeling stuck in the rocking chair of indecision, know that you don’t have to face this alone. A systemic therapist can help you navigate the complexities of your emotions and guide you toward the clarity you need to make the best choice for yourself—and for your partner.
