Transformation Journey: Your Relationships – How you can learn to relate and connect in a meaningful way instead of chasing shallow relationships

Human beings are fundamentally social creatures, and the quality of our relationships has a profound impact on both our physical and mental health. One of the longest and most comprehensive scientific studies on human life—the Harvard Study of Adult Development, which has followed participants for over 80 years—found that the strongest predictor of long-term happiness, health, and longevity is the quality of people’s close relationships. Those who maintained warm, supportive connections not only reported greater life satisfaction but also experienced better physical health and lived longer than those who were more isolated (Waldinger & Schulz, 2010).

Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), developed by Dr. Sue Johnson, is one of the most influential modern approaches to understanding and strengthening adult relationships. Based on attachment theory, EFT shows how secure emotional bonds act as a safe haven and secure base. Research demonstrates that EFT produces large, lasting improvements in relationship satisfaction and emotional responsiveness for couples, particularly by creating secure attachment patterns (Johnson, 2007).

Secure attachment and co-regulation in relationships have a calming influence on our nervous systems. When we feel emotionally connected and responded to by others, stress hormones decrease and our capacity for resilience increases. Emotionally supportive relationships help us cope with life’s challenges and reduce the impact of adversity on both mind and body (Cozolino, 2014).

Not all relationships have the same impact. In The Power of the Other, Dr. Henry Cloud explains that relationships vary in the quality of connection and their influence on our growth. He describes four “corners” of relational space:

• Corner One (Disconnected): No real connection, leading to isolation and emotional depletion.
• Corner Two (Bad Connection): Relationships that feel harmful or critical, which undermine well-being.
• Corner Three (Pseudo-Good Connection): Superficial or temporary bonds that feel pleasant short-term but lack depth or support for growth.
• Corner Four (True Connection): Healthy, authentic relationships that provide both support and challenge, helping us grow, strengthen resilience, and perform better in life.

Only Corner Four relationships have a consistently nourishing effect: they help us feel seen and understood, regulate our emotions, encourage growth, and provide meaningful support in both celebrations and hardships (Cloud, 2012). Improving relational quality has measurable effects on happiness, emotional regulation, physical health, and longevity, making it one of the most important areas to invest in for well-being. 

Improving Your Relational Life

Kindness
Practise kindness to yourself and others—even strangers or people you may never speak to. Acts of compassion create both joy and resilience.
One small change to try: think of one act of kindness for a different person each week.

Belonging
Create time to be fully present with others in real life. Put your phone away, focus on each other, and strengthen shared experiences.
One small change to try: schedule a weekly meal, walk, or activity with someone important to you.

Connection
Notice and reflect on moments or activities that make you feel deeply connected to others. Bring more of these experiences into your life.
One small change to try: journal about these moments and plan to repeat one or two each week.

Vulnerability
Share your needs and wishes in relationships. While there is no guarantee of how others will respond, expressing yourself strengthens your connection to your own needs and feelings.
One small change to try: choose one relationship in which to express a need or wish honestly this week.

Communication
Learn new tools or approaches to improve connection, such as non-violent communication, active listening, or honest check-ins.
One small change to try: practice a new communication technique in one conversation this week.

Empathy / Perspective-Taking
Consider the perspectives of others and your own in relationships. Reflect on what this means for your next step: Can the relationship improve? Is it time to express yourself? Accept the other person as they are? Or mourn what could have been?
One small change to try: journal or reflect on one relationship and what perspective-taking reveals about your interaction moving forward.

References  

Cloud, H. (2012). The power of the other: The startling effect other people have on you, from the boardroom to the bedroom and beyond. HarperOne.

Cozolino, L. (2014). The neuroscience of human relationships: Attachment and the developing social brain (2nd ed.). W.W. Norton & Company.

Johnson, S. M. (2007). The contribution of emotionally focused couples therapy. Journal of Contemporary Psychotherapy, 37(1), 47–52. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10879-006-9034-9

Waldinger, R. J., & Schulz, M. S. (2010). What’s love got to do with it? Social functioning, perceived health, and daily happiness in married octogenarians. Psychology and Aging, 25(2), 422–430. https://doi.org/10.1037/a0018678