Your therapist and coach trained in systemic therapy with a masters in psychology - Registered Counsellor: Independent Practice / Private Practice

Therapist for Couples and Marriage Counselling in Sandton

Your experience and adventures as well as your goals are my top priority

How do we experience difficult phases in a partnership?

Quarrels or conflicts as well as a phase of dissatisfaction or unhappiness in our marriage / partnership are like a big grey cloud that always hovers over us, depresses us and blocks our view of the sun. And often this cloud also follows us into other areas of life and restricts our well-being, our performance and our quality of life. Such phases are often caused by unfulfilled expectations, misunderstandings, dissatisfaction and breaches of trust, which can quickly end in accusations, arguments and even a break-up or toxic relationships.

Often the sun shines again when both partners feel that they can communicate and are understood, are addressing their deepest needs, and feel an emotional and physical closeness. Couples therapy can help in this process.

What are the most common relationship problems?

In romantic relationships we share esteem and affection, intimacy and sexuality, as well as duties and responsibilities – conflict arises when we feel our needs are being overlooked or when an imbalance arises and we feel we are not being treated fairly.
Conflicts can also arise due to stress in our environment – when we experience stress at work, in our everyday life or with other people, we often unload it exactly where we feel comfortable – in our partnerships.
Life crises, such as a serious illness, unemployment or the loss of loved ones also change and strain our romantic relationships.
Crises often arise from deep injuries and disappointments or a breach of trust – jealousy, an affair, addictions – especially alcohol – or even violence play a major role.

Often, conflicts set off a downward spiral that ends in reproaches, arguments, accusations, and tensions that last for weeks or even months. Many couples then grow apart – they have less and less understanding for one another, experience less and less closeness or trust, feel little intimacy and hardly have sex anymore. Such a situation is extremely difficult and stressful for all partners, but partners react differently to these patterns – either they actively pursue a solution or they withdraw and become passive.

Tragically, in many relationships there is one partner who wants to pursue solutions and one who wants to withdraw – and this often creates an unhealthy dynamic.

The active partner talks more and more, seeks increased contact and expects the relationship or the partner to change.
The passive partner grows quieter, even dismissive, wants to avoid confrontation and contact, and hopes that the relationship will calm down if the other partner just accepts it for what it is.
It is easy to imagine that the active partner feels provoked and rejected by the other’s withdrawal and exerts increasing pressure to improve the relationship.
And one can also well imagine that the passive partner feels attacked and is overwhelmed and is increasingly dismissive in order to mitigate the conflict.

Why couples therapy?

Couples often see no way out when they fall into their old, unhealthy patterns – marriage counselling or couples counselling opens up new perspectives and creates hope for the relationship.

In the event of conflicts in the marriage or partnership, a person can also start individual therapy in order to seek support and find a new way of dealing with the challenges.

A therapist's view of the relationship is not coloured by past hurts or disappointments, and unlike family or friends, she is uninvolved and closer to one partner than to the other.

In individual or couple therapy we will work together on the quality of your relationships:

Shaping and strengthening the relationship together – especially in an initial phase or when relationships are changing.
Improve communication and enable an honest exchange – especially when unspoken expectations, disappointments or emotions weigh on you.
Finding a way of dealing with conflicts and crises – especially so that they do not become entrenched.
Identify and change unhealthy behaviour patterns – particularly negative downward spirals that burden everyone involved.
Develop a better understanding of ourselves and our emotions and how they affect or affect our relationships – particularly when past or childhood experiences are involved.

When is couples therapy recommended?

I recommend couples therapy if you recognize yourself in any of the following descriptions:

You keep falling into the same behaviour patterns – and despite countless arguments, your real problems remain unresolved.
Even seemingly small things can set off a downward spiral – and it may take you days or weeks to recover.
They expect the other partner to change – and have the feeling that their relationship cannot be saved otherwise.
In moments when you want to be close to your partner, you are overcome by the fear of rejection – and you approach each other less and less.
You no longer understand your partner at all – and you lack the confidence that you both mean well by each other.
They are rarely intimate with each other, either emotionally or sexually – and feel increasingly distant from each other.
There was a break in your relationship, such as a breach of trust – and you don't know how to move on.
You want to break up – and are looking for a way to make the breakup as painless as possible – for you, your children or loved ones around you.

I would like to encourage you to individual counselling sessions if you find yourself in the following descriptions:

Their attempts at relationships always end in similar disappointments – and awaken old self-doubts.
You long for more affection and appreciation in the relationship – and do not manage to communicate your needs.
You see no future for the partnership and stay because you don't want to hurt your partner – or you have decided to leave and do not yet know how to tell your partner.
They are insecure about their sexuality – and are attracted to other people or would like to try an open, polyamorous relationship.
You are very jealous – and would rather follow your partner's every step or keep them at home.

Please seek support immediately – through emergency numbers, social workers or therapists if you experience the following:

You are afraid of physical, mental or sexual harm.
They suffer from their partner, are depressed or have thoughts of ending their life and cannot find a way out of this relationship.
They worry about their children when they are with their partner.

This is how I help you in your relationship

Couples therapy can help them address hurts and conflicts, understand each other better, and find a common path. I also support couples in the process of separation.

Individual therapy sessions are valuable to heal hurts and imprints from childhood and past relationships, to open ourselves to new love and form stable relationships. It can also help to find a way of dealing with injuries, disappointments or even separations.

I offer in person and online therapy for couples. Online therapy is particularly helpful if you have a busy schedule, can’t leave work or home for a session or if you want to be in your own place of comfort during the session.

I use the same approach for couples counseling and marriage counseling.

Firstly, I want to learn how you became a couple – what attracted you to one another, what excited you in the early days of your relationship and what do you like about one another.
Secondly, I need to understand which resources you have, internally and externally – these are your building blocks that we need to set up a strong and healthy relationship.
Thirdly, we will address any challenges or issues you are experiencing – this ranges from acute crisis, such as infidelity, a loss of trust, pressure from family or friends or one partner’s mental health challenge to ongoing conflicts or communication problems in your relationship. We can also focus on new things or tools you want to learn as a couple. In this phase, we will try to develop empathy for one another and look beyond your actions and behaviour to understand your emotions, thoughts, underlying needs and intentions.
In the next step, we can explore solutions and a way forward for you. In this phase, you will try the practices, new ideas, tools, and ways of interacting I will suggest in your daily life to see what works for you.
In a final step, we will focus on maintaining healthy and stable behaviour patterns that can carry you into your future as a couple and close out the therapy process.

Couples or marriage counseling can take a few sessions but might also require you to commit to ongoing sessions for weeks and months, depending on the health of your relationship, the issues you are experiencing and the resources you have to build.

FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS (FAQ)

When is couples therapy useful?

I recommend couples therapy if you recognize yourself in any of the following descriptions:

You keep falling into the same behaviour patterns – and despite countless arguments, your real problems remain unresolved.
Even seemingly small things can set off a downward spiral – and it may take you days or weeks to recover.
They expect the other partner to change – and have the feeling that their relationship cannot be saved otherwise.
In moments when you want to be close to your partner, you are overcome by the fear of rejection – and you approach each other less and less.
You no longer understand your partner at all – and you lack the confidence that you both mean well by each other.
They are rarely intimate with each other, either emotionally or sexually – and feel increasingly distant from each other.
There was a break in your relationship, such as a breach of trust – and you don’t know how to move on.
You want to break up – and are looking for a way to make the breakup as painless as possible – for you, your children or loved ones around you.

How much does a couples therapy session cost?

The cost of one hour of couples therapy corresponds to the cost of a regular therapy session. It is helpful to schedule 90 minutes for couples therapy instead of an hour as in regular sessions.

When is it too late for couples therapy?

It’s never too late for couples therapy – because therapy accompanies you on your very individual path – even if you decide to separate. When the decision to separate is made, there is value in separating with mutual respect and caring, and minimizing the negative impact on children or other family members. I support couples in the process of separation and help to find a mindful way of dealing with each other.

Couples therapy is not appropriate when a partner or children are exposed to violence, or when the negative feelings are leading to suicidal thoughts. Please seek support immediately – through emergency numbers, social workers or therapists if you experience the following:

You are afraid of physical, mental or sexual harm.
They suffer from their partner, are depressed or have thoughts of ending their life and cannot find a way out of this relationship.
They worry about their children when they are with their partner.

What are the most common problems in a relationship?

The partners have not managed to develop a healthy bond with each other, fear of loss or commitment characterizes the partnership and leads to conflicts.
In romantic relationships we share esteem and affection, intimacy and sexuality, as well as duties and responsibilities – conflict arises when we feel our needs are being overlooked or when an imbalance arises and we feel we are not being treated fairly.
Conflicts can also arise due to stress in our environment – when we experience stress at work, in our everyday life or with other people, we often unload it exactly where we feel comfortable – in our partnerships.
Life crises, such as a serious illness, unemployment or the loss of loved ones also change and strain our romantic relationships.
Crises often arise from deep injuries and disappointments or a breach of trust – often jealousy, an affair, addictions – especially alcohol – or violence play a major role

When is it time to end the relationship?

The question of how long to fight for the relationship and when it is time to break up is not easy to answer. For me personally, there are three main indicators that it’s time to break up:

When negative behaviours and unhealthy patterns have become established and at least one partner is unwilling to work on the relationship.
- Ask yourself the following question: Do I have the feeling that my partner and I are still on the same path and that changes are possible?
If you only stay with a partner out of fear of the pain of separation or of being alone.
- Ask yourself the following question: If a fairy came to me and promised me that I would not have to suffer a day, would I break up with my partner?
If you are stuck in a toxic relationship or experiencing emotional/physical/sexual abuse.
- Ask yourself the following question: If I could observe my best friend in this relationship, would I advise her to leave her partner?

How does couples therapy work?

Just like every couple, the process of every couples therapy is very different and unique.

Where should the journey go? The therapist begins by asking about the couple’s reasons for seeking therapy. Then everyone involved discusses what needs to change and improve in order for couples therapy to be a success.
Where is the couple at the moment? The therapist asks both partners specific questions to find out how they feel about their partnership at the moment, what challenges and problems they are experiencing. This gives her an understanding of the unhealthy behaviours and negative patterns that she hopes to address in therapy.
Where is the couple from? The therapist is also interested in the history of the couple – how they became a couple, what they experienced together and what obstacles they have already overcome. In this way, she develops a feeling for the couple’s resources and strengths, which she can draw on in therapy.
What are deeper reasons? The therapist identifies possible causes that are triggering the current conflicts and tests these ideas in conversation with the couple. This allows her to find out what changes are necessary for the partners to find each other again. The therapist guides the couple to identify their unmet needs that are causing the conflict at the moment.
Which new ways are possible? The therapist guides the couple to understand and name their conflicts in difficult moments. Together they try out and test new forms of interaction that improve the quality of the relationship.

How do I solve problems in my relationship?

Unfortunately, there is no single recipe for solving relationship problems. Here I want to share a few ideas on where to start:

Think about what’s going well at the moment – make a list of all the things you appreciate about the relationship and about your partner. This is how you remember the good and your resources and this creates a good basis for mastering difficult times.
Find out how your partner is experiencing the relationship at the moment – think about how your partner is feeling at the moment, write it down and ask how true it is. This allows you to better understand your partner and show empathy.
Be clear about the problems you are having in the relationship – write down a few examples of situations that are representative of your problems. This allows them to better understand – and address – their negative patterns and unhealthy behaviours.
Think about what deep wishes and needs your partner has – write down what always makes your partner particularly satisfied and happy. This is how they find out which ways or languages of love there are that they can use to get closer to their partner.
Try to be responsive to your partner’s needs in the next conflict – plan how to act if you fall into old patterns. This is how you initiate changes and improvements.
Get help – couples counselling can be very helpful in this process.