Can our problems be fixed - or is our relationship beyond repair?

1. Just Get Through the Day: Let Go of Self-Judgment

In the immediate aftermath of a break-up, focus on surviving, not thriving. This stage is not about progress—it’s about protection. Neuropsychological research shows that the brain processes romantic rejection similarly to physical pain. In a study using fMRI imaging, Kross et al. (2011) found that the same areas of the brain (such as the anterior cingulate cortex) are activated during social rejection and physical injury. No wonder a broken heart hurts.

Attachment theory helps explain why: when we bond with a partner, especially over time, they become part of our internal safety system (Bowlby, 1980). Losing that attachment figure can feel like losing a piece of ourselves.

In this phase:

• Don’t expect productivity or clarity.
  
• Avoid risky behaviors, self-harm, or decisions that are hard to undo.
  
• Focus on sleep, hydration, and doing the minimum to keep yourself safe. 

2. Rebuild a Gentle Routine and Support System

Once the shock begins to soften, it’s time to support your nervous system and emotional resilience through structure. Establishing daily routines—getting out of bed, eating nourishing meals, taking walks—sends your brain the message: I am safe. I am healing.

Studies show that self-care practices and social connection improve emotional resilience and post-breakup recovery (Sbarra & Emery, 2005). And yet, many people isolate during heartbreak or speak to themselves in harsh, critical ways. Be your own friend. Ask yourself: What would I say to a loved one going through this?

• Practice self-compassion (Neff, 2003).
  
• Reach out to others, even if only for small moments of connection.
  
• Move your body—exercise has been shown to reduce symptoms of depression and support emotional regulation (Craft & Perna, 2004). 

3. Allow Yourself to Grieve and Feel

Grief after a breakup isn’t linear. It can come in waves—sometimes fierce, sometimes quiet. Allowing space for grief is essential. Systemic therapy and emotion-focused therapy (Greenberg & Johnson, 1988) emphasize the importance of processing core emotions to move forward authentically.

• Let yourself cry, journal, rage, or rest.
  
• Spend time in nature, in art, or doing what nourishes your spirit.
  
• Mindfulness and body-based practices (e.g., yoga, guided meditations, breathwork) can help you reconnect with your body as a safe space.
  

This is the phase where your emotional system begins to learn that even deep pain can move through you—and that joy, pleasure, and connection are still possible.

4. Reflect and Reframe: What Does This Break-Up Mean?

Once the immediate grief subsides, many clients begin to explore deeper questions: What did this relationship teach me about myself? What are the patterns I carry? What kind of love do I long for?

This reflective phase is rich with potential. Journaling, inner child work, and exploring your attachment style (Fraley & Shaver, 2000) can reveal unconscious beliefs about love and intimacy formed early in life. Understanding these can free you to choose differently in the future.

Questions to explore:

• What needs were met or unmet in this relationship?
  
• What did I learn about myself in love?
  
• What do I want to carry forward—and what will I leave behind? 

5. Rewrite Your Story: Create a New Vision for Your Life

Eventually, healing brings us to a new threshold: the opportunity to rewrite our story. Who are you becoming now? What dreams or parts of yourself were left on hold in the relationship? What would it mean to truly choose yourself?

This stage invites empowerment. You may begin to rediscover parts of yourself that had been silenced or overshadowed. You might make new plans, set goals, or reconnect with forgotten passions. This phase often marks the beginning of a new, more authentic chapter.

Systemic therapy supports this by helping clients view themselves not as broken, but as relational beings capable of growth, choice, and healing—even in the wake of rupture.

Therapy as a Companion on the Healing Path

If you feel stuck in grief, despair, or confusion, therapy can be a deeply supportive space. I draw on systemic therapy and the Conscious Uncoupling process developed by Katherine Woodward Thomas (2015)—a five-step method that helps individuals separate with dignity, awareness, and intention. While originally developed for couples, I adapt it in one-on-one sessions to help individuals find healing after painful endings.

The steps include:

1. Finding emotional freedom
   
2. Reclaiming your power and life
   
3. Breaking the pattern, healing your heart
   
4. Becoming a love alchemist
   
5. Creating your happily even after life
   

This process is not about forgetting or rushing the pain. It’s about making meaning from it—and learning how to carry yourself with grace through the fire.

You are not alone

Healing after a break-up is not a straight line. It is a spiral—a returning to yourself in deeper and more tender ways. Be kind to yourself. Give yourself time. Let yourself be held—by friends, by your routines, by nature, by therapy.

And trust this: one day, your heart will feel full again. Not because someone else fills it, but because you have found your way back home.