Is your relationship in trouble? Signs you are in need of couples counselling

Six Questions That Signal It’s Time for Help

If you answer “often” or “all the time” to any of the following questions over the past three months, it may be time to seek couples counselling urgently:

1. Do you often feel personally criticised by your partner — not just your actions, but who you are? 
2. Do you try to talk to your partner, only to be met with defensiveness or shutdown — as if they can’t really hear you? 
3. Does your partner regularly avoid you, go silent, or shut down completely during conflict? 
4. Have you experienced verbal abuse or felt that your partner speaks about you with contempt or disgust? 
5. Do you sometimes feel emotionally disconnected — as if you’re living separate lives, not even in a relationship anymore? 
6. How often have you felt like you don’t even want to be around your partner anymore? 

These aren’t just moments of frustration. They’re often signs of deeper distress and disconnection — and they don’t tend to resolve on their own.

Beyond the Four Horsemen: The Danger of Emotional Withdrawal

While the Four Horsemen are strong indicators of relationship breakdown, there’s another red flag I pay close attention to in my work with couples: emotional withdrawal.

Even more than conflict, I worry when one or both partners start to give up. When couples stop turning toward each other — stop trying, stop hoping, stop caring — it often signals a deeper kind of loss.

• You no longer fight — but you also no longer talk.
  
• You stop making time for one another.
  
• You emotionally check out — not because you don’t care, but because caring feels too painful.
  
• You feel more like roommates than partners.
  
• You go through the motions, but there’s no sense of connection or warmth anymore.
  

This quiet drift can be just as dangerous as conflict — and often harder to notice until it’s gone very far.

But here’s the good news: when even one partner starts showing up differently, change becomes possible. Withdrawal doesn’t have to mean the end — it’s a sign that support is needed, and healing may still be possible.

Understanding the Four Horsemen

Let’s take a closer look at the four harmful dynamics Gottman identified — and what you can do instead.

1. Criticism

Criticism goes beyond pointing out a problem — it attacks your partner’s character or personality.
Example: “You never help around the house. You’re so lazy.”
Impact: It erodes trust and creates defensiveness.
What helps instead: Use a gentle start-up and express your needs.
→ “I’ve been feeling overwhelmed lately. Could we find a better way to share household tasks?”

2. Defensiveness

This is the tendency to respond to complaints with excuses, blame-shifting, or denial.
Example: “It’s not my fault we’re late — you never tell me what time to leave!”
Impact: Conversations go in circles. No one feels heard.
What helps instead: Take responsibility, even for a small part.
→ “You’re right, I should have checked the time. Let’s figure this out together.”

3. Stonewalling

This happens when one partner withdraws emotionally, shuts down, or avoids the conversation entirely.
Example: Refusing to talk, walking away, or staying silent during arguments.
Impact: It leaves the other partner feeling abandoned or rejected.
What helps instead: Practice self-soothing, then re-engage when you’re ready.
→ “I need a short break to calm down, but I really do want to talk about this.”

4. Contempt

Contempt is the most destructive of the four. It includes sarcasm, name-calling, eye-rolling, or speaking with disdain.
Example: “Wow, you’re that clueless? I’m not surprised.”
Impact: Contempt communicates disgust, and it’s a major predictor of divorce.
What helps instead: Build a culture of appreciation.
→ Make a habit of expressing affection, gratitude, and admiration regularly — even in small ways.

Other Signs That You Might Need Couples Counselling

Even if the Four Horsemen don’t show up every day, other signs can indicate your relationship is struggling:

• You keep falling into the same patterns, and despite repeated arguments, nothing really changes.
  
• Small disagreements escalate quickly, and it may take days or weeks to recover.
  
• You believe your relationship will only improve if your partner changes — and you’re unsure if that’s even possible.
  
• You long to be close, but feel afraid of rejection, and find yourselves approaching each other less and less.
  
• You feel misunderstood, disconnected, or no longer trust that your partner has your best interests at heart.
  
• Emotional or sexual intimacy has faded, and you feel increasingly distant.
  
• A breach of trust (such as infidelity or betrayal) occurred, and you’re unsure how to move forward.
  
• You’re considering separation and want support to either rebuild — or part ways with care. 

Don’t Wait Until It’s Too Late

Couples counselling is not just for crisis moments — but if you’re already seeing these patterns, the sooner you seek support, the better the outcomes tend to be.

Relationships don’t fail because people stop loving each other. They struggle when partners don’t know how to manage conflict, express needs, or truly listen. These are skills, not innate talents — and they can be learned.

If you’re ready to stop cycling through the same patterns and start building something stronger, I’d be honoured to walk that journey with you.