The Person, the Pattern and the Bond – My Therapeutic Approach

If you’ve ever found yourself thinking, “How did we end up having exactly the same fight again?”, you are certainly not alone.

Many couples are surprised that their arguments seem almost predictable. The topic may change—from the dishes, to the children, to finances, to intimacy—but somehow the conversation always seems to end in the same painful place. The words may be different, but the feelings are remarkably familiar.

Researchers such as Drs. John and Julie Gottman have shown that observing only a few minutes of how couples interact during conflict can predict relationship stability with remarkable accuracy. That is because healthy and struggling couples do not simply differ in what they argue about. They differ in how they respond to each other once conflict begins.

If you have read my previous article, “Conflict Isn’t the Problem. Panic Is.”, you already know that conflict itself is not what damages relationships. Rather, it is the moment when our attachment system becomes frightened, our nervous system goes into survival mode and we begin reacting out of panic instead of connection.

Once that happens, we fall back on familiar survival responses—ways of protecting ourselves that often developed during childhood or through painful previous relationships. These responses once helped us feel emotionally safe. Today, however, they often make us feel even further away from the person we love most.

The irony of relationship conflict

One of the greatest ironies in relationships is that our survival responses rarely create what we are hoping for.

Instead, they invite exactly the response we fear most.

The partner who desperately tries to reconnect may unintentionally overwhelm the other.

The partner who withdraws to calm the situation may unintentionally increase the other person’s fear of abandonment.

The partner who criticises in the hope of finally being understood often receives defensiveness instead.

The partner who apologises for everything may leave the other feeling guilty, responsible and emotionally distant.

Very quickly, neither partner is truly responding to each other anymore.

They are responding to the panic inside themselves.

This is the point at which couples stop having a conversation.

They begin repeating a pattern.

The pattern becomes the problem

One of the central ideas in systemic therapy and Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) is beautifully simple:

The pattern is the problem—not you, and not your partner.

Most couples eventually reach a point where they believe the other person is the problem.

“If only they would stop criticising…”

“If only they would stop withdrawing…”

“If only they would listen…”

Yet the painful reality is that both partners are usually trying to achieve exactly the same goal:

To reconnect.

Unfortunately, they are trying to reconnect in completely different ways.

Those different survival responses begin feeding each other until they become what Dr Sue Johnson calls Demon Dialogues—repetitive interaction patterns that seem to take on a life of their own. Esther Perel has similarly described these recurring interaction cycles as relationship “playlists”: familiar emotional tracks that couples replay again and again.

After a while, it no longer takes a major disagreement to start the cycle.

A very small cue is enough.

That is why couples often joke that they argued about the toothpaste.

In reality, nobody ever divorced because of the toothpaste.

The toothpaste simply became the cue that started the same painful dance they had already danced hundreds of times before.

Four common relationship conflict patterns

Dr Sue Johnson describes several recurring conflict patterns that many couples experience. Although every relationship is unique, these cycles appear remarkably consistently across couples.

1. Attack–Attack: “Find the Bad Guy”

Both partners become increasingly critical, defensive and blaming.

Each person is trying to convince the other that they are responsible for the problem.

Neither feels heard.

Neither feels safe.

The conversation becomes a battle over who is right rather than an attempt to understand each other.

Ironically, both partners are usually hoping for exactly the same thing:

To feel understood, valued and reassured.

Yet the more one attacks, the more the other attacks back.

The cycle escalates until both leave feeling hurt and disconnected.

2. Pursue–Withdraw

This is one of the most common conflict patterns in couples therapy.

One partner desperately tries to reconnect. They ask questions, raise concerns, criticise, complain or repeatedly return to the conversation. From the outside they may appear demanding, controlling or “nagging.”

Yet underneath those behaviours is often something much softer:

“Please don’t leave me emotionally.”

The other partner usually experiences the intensity of the conversation as overwhelming.

Rather than escalating further, they begin withdrawing.

They become quieter.

They avoid eye contact.

They leave the room.

They try to calm themselves by creating distance.

Unfortunately, the withdrawing partner is often misunderstood as not caring.

Most of the time, the opposite is true.

They care deeply.

They simply do not know how to stay emotionally engaged once they become overwhelmed.

The more one partner pursues, the more the other withdraws.

The more one withdraws, the more desperately the other pursues.

Both partners receive exactly the opposite of what they were hoping for.

3. Freeze–and–Flee

Sometimes couples stop fighting.

At first this appears encouraging.

There is less conflict.

Less tension.

More silence.

Friends and family may even comment that things seem much calmer.

Yet this can be one of the most painful stages of all.

Instead of resolving conflict, both partners have simply given up trying.

Hope slowly disappears.

Conversations become superficial.

Emotional distance increases.

Ironically, the partner who used to pursue the relationship was often the one still fighting for connection.

Once they also stop reaching out, the risk of separation becomes significantly greater.

The relationship has not become peaceful.

It has become disconnected.

4. The Closeness–Ambivalence Cycle

In this pattern, one partner longs deeply for closeness.

Yet when emotional closeness actually becomes available, it suddenly feels frightening.

The vulnerability itself becomes the danger.

The partner may become defensive, push the other away or create distance again.

The other partner, after repeated rejection, gradually becomes discouraged and withdraws.

This cycle is frequently associated with fearful-avoidant attachment.

It creates enormous confusion because both partners genuinely want intimacy, yet the fear of being hurt repeatedly interrupts moments of connection.

Why these patterns become stronger over time

The more often couples repeat the same interaction, the more automatic it becomes.

Eventually, the nervous system learns the pattern.

Small cues immediately activate old expectations.

Partners stop seeing what is actually happening in front of them.

Instead, they anticipate the next step of the dance.

The conversation becomes less about the present moment and more about everything that has happened before.

This is why conflict patterns often become stronger unless they are consciously interrupted.

How do we begin changing the pattern?

Changing a relationship pattern does not begin with better arguments.

It begins with understanding.

The first step is recognising that the pattern—not either partner—is the real opponent.

The second is recognising that both people are usually trying to stop the pain, even if they are doing so in very different ways.

The third is becoming curious about each other’s deeper fears rather than reacting only to each other’s behaviours.

When we begin asking, “What are you afraid might happen right now?” instead of “Why are you behaving like this?”, something important changes.

The conversation becomes safer.

Finally, remind each other that you are on the same team.

Both of you are trying to protect the relationship.

Neither of you wants to stay trapped in these painful cycles.

Sometimes understanding your pattern together is enough to begin changing it.

Sometimes additional support can help couples recognise these interactional patterns before they take over and learn new ways of responding that create emotional safety instead of distance.

Understand Your Relationship Pattern

The first step towards changing a painful conflict cycle is recognising it.

Once you can name the pattern, you can begin working together against it instead of against each other.

To help with this, I have developed a Relationship Conflict Pattern Questionnaire, based on systemic therapy, Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) and attachment theory.

Complete the questionnaire here:

https://forms.gle/s6sMyw2DHqSK92it7

After completing the questionnaire, I will review your responses and send you an overview of your likely conflict pattern together with practical reflections and suggestions for beginning to change the cycle. If you would like a more detailed analysis, you can also request a personalised report with further recommendations.

References

Gottman, J. M., & Gottman, J. S. (2015). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Harmony Books.
Johnson, S. M. (2008). Hold Me Tight. Little, Brown Spark.
Johnson, S. M. (2019). Attachment Theory in Practice. Guilford Press.
Perel, E. (2017). The State of Affairs. HarperCollins.
Bowlby, J. (1988). A Secure Base. Basic Books.