The Person, the Pattern and the Bond – My Therapeutic Approach

People often ask me what kind of therapy I practise. My work combines three complementary approaches: the humanistic and person-centred principles of Carl Rogers, systemic therapy and Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT).

I do not experience these as separate methods. Instead, they complement one another and shape the way I understand psychological well-being, emotional struggles and therapeutic change.

The humanistic approach helps me focus on the person. Systemic therapy helps me understand the relationships and environments in which that person lives. Emotionally Focused Therapy connects our inner emotional world with the relationships that shape our lives.

Together, these approaches help me keep three interconnected dimensions in mind:

The person. The pattern. The bond.

Putting the pyerson first

My connection to the person-centred approach began during my early practical experience after completing my Master’s degree in Psychology. This included an internship in Mamelodi and working within the South African Depression and Anxiety Group’s (SADAG) suicide crisis support services.

It was there that I became deeply familiar with Carl Rogers’ work. What immediately resonated with me was that he placed the human being—not the diagnosis, illness or presenting problem—at the centre of therapy.

Rogers believed that every person has an innate capacity for growth when they experience empathy, authenticity and acceptance.

That philosophy aligned closely with how I wanted to meet people. I have never viewed therapy as a process in which an expert tells someone what is wrong with them and prescribes solutions.

Instead, I see therapy as a collaborative relationship in which people are supported to understand their experiences, reconnect with their own strengths and discover their own way forward.

When people feel genuinely understood rather than judged, they often begin to understand themselves with greater compassion.

People never exist in isolation

After my psychology training, I completed further training in systemic coaching and systemic therapy through a German institute.

Systemic therapy fascinated me because it challenged the idea that people and their difficulties can be understood in isolation.

Our relationships, families, workplaces, communities and cultures all shape who we become. So do our histories, identities and the opportunities—or barriers—we encounter throughout life.

Living and working in South Africa further strengthened this perspective. I became increasingly interested in societal structures, intersectionality, race, gender, sexuality and the many ways our social environments influence our well-being.

The South African philosophy of Ubuntu—“I am because we are”—deeply influenced my understanding of people.

It also challenged the highly individualistic view that mental health is simply about changing ourselves.

Sometimes therapy unintentionally communicates that if individuals only become stronger, think differently or work harder on themselves, everything will improve.

My experience has taught me something different.

Sometimes people are responding in entirely understandable ways to painful relationships, unsafe environments, discrimination, overwhelming demands or difficult life circumstances.

Therapy should help people develop agency, but it should not place the entire responsibility for suffering on the individual when that suffering is also shaped by the systems around them.

Another reason I value systemic therapy is its strong focus on strengths and resources. Rather than asking only what is wrong, it also asks what people have already survived, what strengths they bring, when the problem is less powerful and which relationships help them thrive.

The pattern is the problem

One of the central ideas of systemic therapy is that interaction patterns can gradually take on a life of their own.

One person reacts to another. The second responds. Their response reinforces the first person’s fears, and before long both are caught in a cycle that continues to reinforce itself.

For example, one partner may criticise because they fear losing the relationship. The other feels overwhelmed by the criticism and withdraws. That withdrawal increases the first partner’s fear, leading to even more criticism.

Neither partner created the cycle alone.

Neither wants it.

Yet both unintentionally help keep it alive.

Instead of asking,

“Who is the problem?”

systemic therapy invites a different question:

“What pattern are we caught in?”

Once the pattern becomes the shared problem, people can begin working together instead of against one another.

Why Emotionally Focused Therapy?

My growing passion for couples therapy eventually led me to Emotionally Focused Therapy through Dr Sue Johnson’s book Hold Me Tight.

Her understanding of attachment helped me make sense of something I had observed repeatedly in relationships: people often hurt those they love most while desperately trying to protect the relationship.

EFT explains how our emotions, attachment needs and relationship patterns are deeply connected.

When we feel emotionally threatened, our nervous system quickly activates protective responses. We may criticise, withdraw, become controlling or overly accommodating. These are often not personality flaws but adaptive strategies that once helped us stay emotionally safe.

Unfortunately, those protective responses also trigger reactions in the people around us, creating repetitive cycles in which everyone receives the opposite of what they long for.

What I particularly appreciate about EFT is that it brings together everything that had already inspired me in the other two approaches. From Rogers, it embraces empathy and emotional experience. From systemic therapy, it adopts the understanding that interaction patterns—not individuals—often maintain the problem. Attachment theory then helps explain why secure emotional connection is such a fundamental human need.

Our inner emotional experiences and our relationships continually shape one another.

How I understand health and emotional struggles

To me, a healthy life is not a life without difficult emotions, conflict or uncertainty.

Health means remaining connected to ourselves while navigating these experiences. It means understanding our emotions, responding to our needs with compassion and building relationships that provide safety, trust and belonging.

I also believe that health cannot be separated from context. Our relationships, communities, cultures, opportunities and life experiences all influence our well-being.

For this reason, I rarely ask,

“What is wrong with you?”

Instead, I ask,

“What has happened to you? What is your nervous system trying to protect? And what conditions would help you feel safe enough to live differently?”

Anxiety, perfectionism, people-pleasing or emotional withdrawal often developed for very good reasons. They once helped people cope with situations that felt overwhelming or unsafe.

Therapy is therefore not about eliminating these responses through force. It is about understanding them with compassion so that new ways of responding become possible.

How does change happen?

I do not believe change happens simply because someone receives good advice or understands something intellectually.

Real change happens through new emotional experiences.

It happens when someone experiences acceptance where they once expected rejection.

When they express vulnerability and are met with understanding.

When a couple recognises that the pattern—not the partner—is their common enemy.

When people begin responding to themselves and to one another with greater compassion.

My role is to create a space where these experiences can happen.

I bring therapeutic knowledge, structure and guidance, but I do not believe I have all the answers to someone else’s life.

My clients remain the experts on their own experiences.

What do I hope clients can do after therapy?

The goal of therapy is not for people to need therapy forever.

I hope clients leave with a stronger relationship with themselves. I want them to recognise their emotional cues earlier, understand what their reactions are trying to communicate and respond more intentionally.

I hope they learn to express needs and boundaries without believing this will destroy their relationships.

For couples, I hope they begin recognising their interaction patterns before those patterns take over.

Instead of saying,

“You are the problem,”

I hope they can say,

“Our pattern is beginning again.”

From there, they can move towards one another with greater curiosity, empathy and understanding.

Ultimately, I hope clients continue the work of therapy long after our sessions have ended: reflecting, feeling, communicating, repairing relationships and reconnecting with themselves and with others.

Three approaches, one shared philosophy

Carl Rogers’ humanistic principles, systemic therapy and Emotionally Focused Therapy all share a profound respect for people and their capacity for growth.

Rogers reminds me to begin with the person and to trust in the transformative power of empathy, authenticity and acceptance.

Systemic therapy reminds me to understand people within their relationships, communities and broader social contexts.

Emotionally Focused Therapy connects our emotional world with our attachment needs and relationship patterns, showing how healing happens through safer emotional connection.

Together, these approaches reflect what I fundamentally believe about people:

We are not isolated problems waiting to be fixed.

We are emotional, relational and contextual human beings.

We are shaped through our relationships.

And we can also heal through them.

References

Bowlby, J. (1988). A Secure Base: Parent-Child Attachment and Healthy Human Development. Basic Books.
Brubacher, L. L. (2017). Stepping into Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy: Key Ingredients of Change. Karnac Books.
Johnson, S. M. (2008). Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love. Little, Brown Spark.
Johnson, S. M. (2019). Attachment Theory in Practice: Emotionally Focused Therapy with Individuals, Couples, and Families. Guilford Press.
Rogers, C. R. (1951). Client-Centered Therapy: Its Current Practice, Implications and Theory. Houghton Mifflin.
Rogers, C. R. (1961). On Becoming a Person: A Therapist’s View of Psychotherapy. Houghton Mifflin.