The power of listening and asking helpful questions

When someone opens up to us—whether in therapy, coaching, or everyday conversation—our first impulse is often to help by offering solutions. This usually comes from a genuinely good place. We care. We want to ease the other person’s pain, and often we are emotionally affected by what they are sharing. In many cases, our urge to give advice reflects our own discomfort with witnessing their struggle. Helping quickly can soothe our own sense of helplessness more than it supports the other person’s process.

The intention to support and guide is important. What often gets overlooked, however, is that this intention can be expressed most effectively through listening rather than fixing. Support does not have to mean providing answers. In fact, deep listening and thoughtful questioning are often far more powerful ways of helping. In this blog, we explore why that is, and how conversations can become more empowering when we shift from advising to truly listening.

Psychological research shows that people rarely come to conversations looking for quick solutions. While well intentioned, advice is often surprisingly hard to digest. It can subtly imply that the other person has not thought deeply enough, not tried hard enough, or missed something obvious. Even when this is not the intention, advice can feel patronising or misaligned with a person’s actual emotional needs. Research on self-determination theory demonstrates that people thrive when their autonomy is respected and their inner motivation is supported rather than overridden (Ryan & Deci, 2017). Advice, especially when offered too early, can undermine this sense of autonomy.

There is also a crucial difference between talking with someone and talking at someone. When we move into explaining, fixing or persuading, the other person often does not feel seen or understood. Studies on perceived empathy show that feeling unheard increases self-doubt, emotional insecurity and emotional withdrawal (Elliott et al., 2018). Instead of feeling supported, people may leave the interaction questioning themselves more than before, unsure whether their feelings are valid at all.

Another psychological process often activated in these moments is counterfactual thinking. This is the mental habit of comparing reality with imagined alternatives, typically beginning with “I should have…” or “If only I had…”. Research shows that when advice is given before someone feels emotionally met, they may internally search for reasons why the advice does not apply to them or why they have already failed at it (Epstude & Roese, 2008). Outwardly, they may listen politely, but inwardly the conversation can increase shame, heaviness and self-doubt rather than hope.

This is why giving advice without truly hearing someone out so often backfires. The intention to help is present, but the impact is the opposite.

Over time, this dynamic can also affect relationships. When people repeatedly feel that they are not truly listened to, heard or understood, they often begin to distance themselves emotionally. They may share less, withdraw from deeper conversations, or stop turning to us altogether. Ironically, while we are trying to be helpful, we can create more distance rather than closeness. This growing gap is painful for both sides: for the person who feels unseen, and for the one who genuinely wants to support but does not understand why connection is fading.

So what actually helps?

Listening, in the psychological sense, is not passive. It is an active process of presence, attunement and curiosity. When we listen without interrupting, correcting or steering the conversation, we communicate something fundamental: you matter, and your experience makes sense. Research on the therapeutic alliance shows that feeling understood is one of the strongest predictors of positive outcomes across therapeutic approaches (Norcross & Lambert, 2019). This applies not only in therapy, but also in leadership, friendships and intimate relationships.

Asking helpful questions builds on this foundation. Thoughtful questions signal trust. They show that we believe the other person already holds important knowledge about themselves and their life. Instead of positioning ourselves as the expert with answers, we invite the other person into a process of self-exploration. This strengthens self-efficacy—the belief in one’s own ability to cope and create change—which has been shown to be a key factor in psychological resilience (Bandura, 2018).

Questions also open space for more flexible and resourceful thinking. When someone is invited to reflect rather than instructed to act, their thinking often becomes more creative. They begin to reconnect with strengths, recognise patterns and explore possibilities they may not have seen before. This process tends to lead to more sustainable change than externally imposed solutions.

In addition, good questions allow for a gentle shift in perspective without invalidating past effort. Most people seeking support have already tried many things, often repeatedly and with great determination. A well-placed question honours this. It invites exploration not because the person failed, but because circumstances, needs or inner resources may have evolved.

Finally, asking questions communicates empathy. Especially in emotionally difficult situations, empathy is often more regulating and healing than advice. Neuroscientific research on emotional regulation shows that feeling emotionally understood can calm the nervous system and restore cognitive flexibility (Siegel, 2020). From this regulated state, people are far more capable of finding their own answers.

The power of listening and asking helpful questions lies in its respect for the other person’s inner world. It reduces defensiveness, supports clarity and strengthens confidence rather than eroding it. It turns conversations into spaces of connection rather than correction.

Conclusion

Most people who give advice do so because they care deeply and want to help. It can be painful and frustrating to feel unable to fix someone else’s struggle, especially when we see how much they are hurting. Yet true support does not begin with answers; it begins with presence. When we listen deeply and ask meaningful questions, we create conversations that are empowering rather than overwhelming. By shifting from fixing to listening, we reduce distance, strengthen connection and offer the kind of support that truly encourages growth. Advice has its place, but only after understanding has been established. Listening and curiosity are not passive acts. They are powerful tools that allow real change to emerge from within.

References

Bandura, A. (2018). Toward a psychology of human agency. Perspectives on Psychological Science, 13(2), 130–136.

Elliott, R., Bohart, A. C., Watson, J. C., & Greenberg, L. S. (2018). Empathy. Psychotherapy, 55(4), 399–410.

Epstude, K., & Roese, N. J. (2008). The functional theory of counterfactual thinking. Personality and Social Psychology Review, 12(2), 168–192.

Norcross, J. C., & Lambert, M. J. (2019). Psychotherapy relationships that work III. Psychotherapy, 56(4), 423–431.

Ryan, R. M., & Deci, E. L. (2017). Self-determination theory: Basic psychological needs in motivation, development, and wellness. Guilford Press.

Siegel, D. J. (2020). The developing mind (3rd ed.). Guilford Press.