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Reflect with Juliane – M. Sc. Psychology and Systemic Counsellor
“The quality of our relationships is not determined by whether we make mistakes, but by how we repair them.”
One of the questions I hear most often in therapy is:
“How do I apologise properly?”
It sounds like such a simple question.
After all, apologising is something we have been taught since childhood. Most of us know the words I’m sorry. Many of us even believe we are good at apologising.
Yet when the moment truly matters—when we’ve hurt someone we deeply love—those two little words suddenly become incredibly difficult to say.
Why?
Because an apology is rarely just about admitting we made a mistake.
It touches something much deeper.
It asks us to face our imperfections while staying emotionally connected to another person.
It asks us to remain open when every part of our nervous system wants to protect itself.
As a systemic therapist and couples counsellor, I have come to believe that apologising is one of the most courageous acts in any relationship—not because it requires perfect words, but because it requires vulnerability.
Many of us have grown up believing that mistakes are something to avoid.
At school, mistakes affected our grades.
At work, mistakes can affect our careers.
On social media, we are surrounded by carefully curated versions of people’s lives that suggest everyone else has somehow figured it out.
Modern culture often sends us one powerful message:
If you work hard enough, improve enough and perform well enough, you can have everything.
Without realising it, we often bring this belief into our closest relationships.
We begin to think that being a good partner means never disappointing the people we love.
That healthy relationships should be conflict-free.
That hurting someone means we have somehow failed.
No wonder apologising feels threatening.
Because if making a mistake means I am a failure, then apologising feels less like taking responsibility and more like confirming our worst fears about ourselves.
Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), developed by Dr Sue Johnson, offers a profoundly compassionate way of understanding conflict.
According to attachment theory, conflict is rarely about dishes, text messages or forgotten birthdays.
Instead, these moments awaken deeper questions:
Am I important to you?
Will you still choose me?
Am I safe with you?
Do I matter?
When those attachment needs feel threatened, our nervous system shifts into protection.
Some of us become louder.
Some withdraw.
Some explain.
Some become critical.
Some shut down completely.
These reactions are not signs that we don’t love one another.
More often, they are desperate attempts to preserve connection while protecting ourselves from emotional pain.
Understanding this changes everything.
Instead of asking:
“Who’s right?”
we begin asking:
“What happened inside each of us?”
Once our nervous system becomes activated, apologising becomes remarkably hard.
Not because we don’t care.
But because fear takes over.
Fear of rejection.
Fear of shame.
Fear of losing the relationship.
Fear that admitting fault somehow diminishes our worth.
When fear is leading the conversation, we often find ourselves saying things like:
“I didn’t mean it.”
“You’re overreacting.”
“You misunderstood me.”
“But you also…”
These responses are rarely intentional.
They are attempts to reduce our own discomfort.
Unfortunately, they often increase our partner’s pain.
Carl Rogers believed that genuine change happens when people feel accepted rather than judged.
The same is true in relationships.
Our partners do not need perfection.
They need authenticity.
They need emotional responsiveness.
They need to know that when something hurts, we are willing to stay with them instead of defending ourselves.
As Esther Perel often reminds us:
“One word you can never say too often is sorry.”
I couldn’t agree more.
A sincere apology rarely weakens a healthy relationship.
Instead, it deepens trust.
It communicates:
“You matter more to me than my pride.”
One of the greatest misconceptions about healthy relationships is that successful couples somehow avoid hurting each other.
They don’t.
Research consistently shows that all couples disappoint one another.
The difference lies in what happens afterwards.
John and Julie Gottman’s research describes repair attempts as one of the strongest predictors of long-term relationship success.
Repair does not erase the mistake.
Repair restores emotional safety.
It tells our partner:
“I’m here.”
“I understand your pain.”
“Let’s find each other again.”
One mistake I frequently observe is people treating an apology as though it should immediately end the conflict.
“I’ve apologised.”
“Can we move on now?”
But genuine apologies are not conclusions.
They are invitations.
Their purpose is not to silence pain.
Their purpose is to create enough safety for the pain to be spoken about.
In fact, sometimes the real conversation only begins after the apology.
In my own work, I often draw on Michael Cohen’s Journey of Forgiveness, because it reminds us that saying I’m sorry is only one part of repair.
Forgiveness is not a single event.
It is an ongoing relational process.
Rather than rushing towards forgiveness, we move through several important stages:
Notice how much of this process happens before the apology itself.
Healing begins when people feel understood.
This may be the most important advice I can offer.
When someone tells you that you have hurt them, resist the temptation to explain yourself immediately.
Instead, become curious.
Ask questions.
Slow the conversation down.
Try to understand:
Often, people are not waiting for perfect words.
They are waiting to feel emotionally held.
Many apologies become stuck because we confuse intention with impact.
You may never have intended to hurt someone.
That matters.
But it does not erase the impact.
A healing apology recognises both.
Instead of saying:
“That wasn’t my intention.”
Try saying:
“I can understand why that hurt.”
One sentence protects yourself.
The other protects the relationship.
A genuine apology is not a negotiation.
It is not:
“I’m sorry… but you also…”
Nor is it:
“I’m apologising, so now you should forgive me.”
Forgiveness is a gift.
Not an obligation.
Offer your apology because the relationship matters—not because you want to stop feeling uncomfortable.
Systemic therapy teaches us that relationships are shaped by interactional patterns rather than individual blame.
One of the greatest gifts we can offer another person is our ability to remain emotionally present while they are hurting.
Not collapsing into shame.
Not becoming defensive.
Not counter-attacking.
Simply staying.
Listening.
Remaining curious.
Remaining connected.
That emotional presence often heals more than any perfectly crafted sentence ever could.
In my experience, the most healing apologies include six elements:
Notice that the final step is not making promises.
It is making plans.
Because meaningful change rarely happens through willpower alone.
It happens through curiosity, reflection and practising something different together.
Every relationship includes moments of rupture.
That is inevitable.
What is not inevitable is remaining disconnected.
The quality of our closest relationships is not defined by never getting it wrong.
It is defined by what we choose to do next.
So apologise.
Apologise sincerely.
Apologise courageously.
Apologise with curiosity.
And remember:
The purpose of saying I’m sorry is never simply to erase the past.
It is to create enough safety for two people to find one another again.
Ainsworth, M. D. S., Blehar, M. C., Waters, E., & Wall, S. (1978). Patterns of Attachment. Erlbaum.
Bowlby, J. (1969/1982). Attachment and Loss: Vol. 1. Attachment. Basic Books.
Gottman, J. M., & Gottman, J. S. (2015). 10 Principles for Doing Effective Couples Therapy. Norton.
Johnson, S. M. (2008). Hold Me Tight. Little, Brown Spark.
Johnson, S. M. (2019). Attachment Theory in Practice. Guilford Press.
Perel, E. (2017). The State of Affairs. HarperCollins.
Rogers, C. R. (1961). On Becoming a Person. Houghton Mifflin.
Watzlawick, P., Beavin, J. H., & Jackson, D. D. (1967). Pragmatics of Human Communication. Norton.
© 2025 OMmatic
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