Deeper Conversations: How Open Questions and Good Listening Create Connection

Do you notice this moment when you’re trying to have a conversation with someone you love, and it suddenly feels like you’re interviewing them? You ask questions, but very little comes back. The answers are short, surface-level, and real connection doesn’t seem to happen. Many people share this experience. What is often happening is not a lack of interest, but a lack of practice in having deeper conversations. And that can feel deeply unfulfilling. In fact, many people describe feeling lonely in exactly these moments — even within relationships or families. Research shows that loneliness is increasing globally, even among people who are socially connected. At the same time, psychologist Sonja Lyubomirsky highlights that people tend to feel unloved when they do not feel truly heard or understood by those close to them.

There is also an interesting gap when it comes to listening: over 90% of people believe they are good listeners, yet less than 10% say that the people close to them are good at listening. This discrepancy highlights how important it is to consciously develop our listening skills. Feeling heard is one of the most fundamental experiences of connection, trust, and feeling loved.

The good news is that we can change this. With small but intentional shifts in how we speak and listen, conversations can become deeper, more meaningful, and more connecting. The following guidelines can help support this shift.

The first step is to create a good setting. Conversations deepen when people feel comfortable. This means minimizing distractions, reducing time pressure, and creating a calm atmosphere. Interestingly, it can also help not to sit directly opposite each other, but rather next to each other or looking in the same direction — for example during a walk or in the car. Especially for children, but also for adults, this can reduce pressure and make it easier to open up.

The second step is to share something about yourself. This is not only about being vulnerable; it is also about opening the space for a deeper conversation. When you share a thought, a feeling, or an experience, you signal that this is a space where more depth is welcome. Research on self-disclosure shows that when one person opens up, the other person is more likely to do the same. Feeling seen often invites others to show more of themselves.

The next step is to ask open-ended, curious questions. These are questions that begin with “what,” “how,” “when,” or “where.” They encourage reflection and invite the other person to share more. For example: “What stayed with you from today?” or “How did that feel for you?” These are often referred to as curious questions — questions that genuinely want to understand. In contrast, there are “detective questions,” a concept introduced by Esther Perel, which are often aimed at proving a point or confirming an assumption (for example, “Why did you do that?”). These can easily feel judgmental. Instead, it can be more helpful to ask: “Help me understand what happened for you,” or “Walk me through what was going on in that moment.” This creates safety and encourages openness.

It is also important to acknowledge why these kinds of conversations can feel difficult. Many people simply have not learned how to ask these questions or how to listen deeply. Sometimes we are afraid of what the other person might say. Sometimes we feel uncomfortable with emotions — our own or someone else’s. And often, we are simply overwhelmed or distracted by everyday life. All of this makes it harder to stay present and curious.

This is exactly why it is so valuable to consciously make space for these conversations. Research shows that people who engage in deeper, meaningful conversations regularly feel more connected, happier, and less stressed. It is an investment not only in our relationships, but also in our own well-being. And like any skill, it becomes easier over time. What may feel unfamiliar at first can become natural and deeply enriching.

These conversations can be integrated into different areas of life. For couples, it can be helpful to create small daily moments of connection — not just asking “How was your day?” but following up with genuine curiosity. In addition, setting aside time once a week for a deeper conversation can help partners truly understand each other’s inner world.

With children, these conversations can happen in calmer moments — for example before bedtime or when emotions are present. Creating a safe space, showing patience, and being genuinely interested helps children express what is going on inside them.

Ultimately, it is not about communicating perfectly. It is about becoming curious about each other again. Open questions and good listening are simple but powerful tools to reconnect, to understand more deeply, and to feel closer — and more loved.

Here you will find a guide for deeper conversations for kids and teens.